


Moronic, Reckless, Childish Lily

by RueRambunctious



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Domestic Violence, Gen, possible pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-04
Updated: 2016-08-04
Packaged: 2018-07-29 08:46:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7677799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RueRambunctious/pseuds/RueRambunctious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After dismissing Severus' apologies for calling her a Mudblood, Lily ALMOST forgave him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moronic, Reckless, Childish Lily

**Author's Note:**

> I know that Severus didn't own Lily, but I never quite understood why she abruptly cut off their friendship over one silly fight, or how she could fall for a bully she detested.

This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoat Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Moronic, reckless and childish.

Moronic reckless and childish.

Where those even the right words for what he was doing? Moronic, reckless and childish. The words resonated in Lily’s mind to the rhythm of every quickening gasp of breath and momentary bite of her lower lip. Every breath was swifter than the last; every bite more determined to quell the instinct to burst into noisy, choking sobs.

Lily’s chest hurt and the pain was rising to her throat; tendrils of it were snaking higher still and pressing into her temples. Moronic, reckless and childish. Lily’s stomach felt tight and the words pounded insistently behind her eyelids. She kept her eyes screwed closed but her eyelids were no foil to the imaginary words. They were overwhelming her. Moronic, reckless and childish. They were suffocating her.

Lily cradled one thin arm over her stomach and welded the other to her heaving chest. Moronic, reckless and childish.

Lily was trembling now and she was quite sure if she did not swallow or expel the words she was going to be sick. Moronic, reckless, childish. She made her lips form the words but damming the sobs before the roared in waves from her throat took all the energy she bade her vocal chords to exert.

Moronic. Reckless. Childish. If she did not say it the words would drive her mad. Her head hurt. The words. She had to say the words before things became more out of hand.

“Mor...onic!” Lily gasped. The shock of the word made her splutter, and her eyelids flew open to expose grey surroundings.

“Reckless,” Lily whimpered. She felt sick. Her head ached. The world around her was swimming as she trembled. Dots of black and white flared across her view.

Lily sat down quickly. She sat quietly; and she sat for some time.

The blackness encircling her vision receded and the greyness gradually melted into colours. The trembling decreased.

Lily made a breathy sound that was almost a laugh.

“Utterly childish!” she announced in a voice that almost sounded normal. “That bloody bastard!” she continued, because it felt apt. Lily stood carefully and noticed her clothing was dirtied by the dry soil she had seated herself on so abruptly.

That was his fault again. Bloody idiot! Lily could feel her blood running to her extremities once more. It made her feel bolder and she kicked an assortment of gravel and dry leaves from her path.

How could her do something so catastrophically and monumentally stupid?

Lily snapped a thin branch from one of the bushes that surrounded her. Her hands had not quite stopped shaking.

If she had accepted his apology would he have done something so terribly stupid?

What she was doing now was moronic, reckless and childish.

What she had done after she had rejected his apology was moronic, reckless and childish.

She didn’t know then what the tattoo meant, did she? She had noticed that he was spending far too much time with those lunatics but she had left him to it. She had left him to it because he had hurt her.

He had hurt her. She would have done something if she had known what foolishness he had gotten involved in but she had been too busy licking her wounds and wounding him right back to know what he had done until...

Well until he was the poster child for recklessness.

When had he become so idiotic? Lily would have expected this level of stupidity from James, but not from Severus.

What was he thinking?

What was she thinking?

She could not keep doing this. Severus was bound to notice her eventually, or James would find out what she was doing. Lily picked at the twig in her hands nervously. She would have another panic attack if she did not focus herself.

At least Lily thought it was a panic attack. She kept having faint moments recently but she had never had them before. It was probably related to the stress of everything.

She wanted to tell Severus. Lily wanted to tell him that nothing made sense when he was not around. She wanted to tell him that she often watched him leave his house and followed him to their park. Lily wanted to tell him that she had almost approached him when he helped that little redheaded girl who had fell off of the swings. Lily wanted to tell Severus that Petunia had noticed Lily’s wanderings and thought Lily was cheating. Lily wanted to tell Severus that Petunia liked him better than James, and did that not amuse him?

Lily wanted to say she was scared and she missed him and she was sorry! 

Lily felt the stick in her hand catch on her ring. The stupid thing was an heirloom of Potter’s. He was not all bad... and that had surprised her... but he was not Severus at all. James’ passion and devotion... they did not make the gap where Severus should be any less. Severus had not attended her wedding. How could her best friend not attend her wedding? How could she have let that happen?

Lily clenched her hands and gazed out towards the play area. She should not be skulking in the bushes like this. What if someone saw?

She should step out into the clearing and approach Severus. He did not need to know she had been lurking; for all he knew she had come here for a meaningless stroll.

She could just say, ‘hello.’ 

He could say it back and tell her he missed her too and she could tell him about the order and maybe Dumbledore could do something about that horrific tattoo...

Maybe he did not miss her at all. Maybe Severus would look at her hand and sneer and say that he did not know her. She was not Evans anymore. Was she?

Severus was right there sitting on the swings. His hair covered his face. If he looked up...

What would it matter? Lily was married. Lily was married to her best friend’s enemy. Even James would never do something so stupid!

James was not a bad man.

James was a nice man.

James was nothing like Severus.

Severus was dangerous now. He was part of what Sirius’ brother and Lucius Malfoy and all those rabid monsters were part of.

Severus thought she was a mudblood.

Idiotic! He did not mean that. Lily knew he did not mean that. She had been sulking. She had been looking for an excuse to explore what Potter was like. It was all her fault. She could have accepted Severus’ apology at any time.

She could do it now. She could accept his apology and make one of her own. Yes!

Yes, that was exactly the answer she had been waiting for. That was all she had to do. Severus would forgive her. Severus loved her. Severus was her best friend. Lily stepped out of the clearing.

“Severus!”

Lily turned around. Severus’ mother was calling. Eileen wore a lot of black to hide the blood that often erupted from her face. She had not had time to cover up this time. Eileen’s face was streaked in blood.

Severus got up off the swings and ran towards his mother. Lily stayed where she was. Eileen was always embarrassed to be seen like this. Severus would be embarrassed to be seen like this. It was private, and Lily was not family anymore.

Lily wanted to walk over and take Eileen’s hand. Lily wanted Eileen to notice her and encourage Lily to approach.

Severus and Eileen walked away. They had not seen her, had they?

Lily could call out. Lily could run after them.

They did not need her.

Lily slunk dejectedly towards Severus’ swing. The seat was still warm from his body. It made her want to cry.

When she was little Lily used to pick flowers and put them under the Snape’s kitchen window for Eileen to find on days when Mr Snape was particularly horrible. Lily could still do that.

Lily stayed on the swing. She wanted to absorb all of Severus’ body heat first. She wanted to have something of his.

Lily thought about the blood on Eileen’s face. Lily had not...

Lily had not bled in a while. Perhaps the tiredness and faintness was more than just stress.

Lily stood up stiffly and began to pick flowers. She carried them awkwardly to Severus’ house and deposited them nervously, feeling somehow like a thief.

Lily went home to James.


End file.
